Yesterday my husband gave me great news. He told me he'd be home from work early. And by early that meant before the kids were home from school. He suggested that we watch a movie and just relax, but in my head I had already decided that I do enough relaxing during the day and that we were going to go to town and have lunch. Big mistake to keep that thought in my head. At 12:30 when he arrived home, I announced that I wanted to go to lunch. This caused a huge problem. He had just come from town and we live far enough from town that it's annoying to make unnecessary trips.
Nathan did not want to go to lunch. He wanted to relax and watch a movie. Winter is already a hard time for me. I shut down and hibernate. Two examples come to mind to explain my emotional state in the winter. Example 1: like a pre-teen who just started getting her period. Example 2: like I'd just been dumped the next day by the person I'd lost my virginity too. That gives you a pretty good view that my emotional state is on a hair trigger and the littlest feather can set it off. His unwillingness to do what I wanted set me into a crying fit. It wasn't a big deal. He'd just got finished working and hardly ever gets to relax. I am not sure what made me break down like a toddler and throw a fit.
My husband is an amazing man. He didn't get mad, he didn't leave me to cry, he stayed by me and helped me through my breakdown. We talked out a lot of things. The heart of the conversation boiled down to my lack of motivation affecting my life. The lack of motivation came from winter. But even deeper, it came out that my lack of motivation for writing my book was that I was afraid of what my friends would think. I am petrified that if I wrote a book that actually gets published that a friend or friends will read it and think it's horrible. I could care less about critics, I just wanted approval from my friends. It's crazy. Having this emotional, face soaking talk with my husband was a triumph. I talked my way through my feelings to the core of the issue and now I feel so much better. Enough so that I did a lot of work on my book today. Not actual writing yet, but character descriptions, notes, outlines, and other neat features that are on my writing software.
Today was a day I hoped my kids would triumph as well. Hendrix was to start his first karate lesson and Naomi her first ballet lesson. Hendrix and I observed the karate class on Tuesday so he could get a feel for the routine and decide if he wanted to give it a try. Tonight, he, just like mom today, shut down. He wouldn't even give it a try. They start the class with exercise and streatching and Hendrix wanted no part of it. Karate is over. It was over before he even tried. Glad soccer starts in two months, he's really good at that. I was more worried about Naomi's start to ballet. She is a fast learner, but she has never taken any dance and at 10 years old, she was going to start in the advanced class, even though she is a beginner. She came home and declared that she was very sore, but in a great way and she LOVED it.
The day belongs to the women of the house. Naomi rocked ballet, I got a lot done after my breakdown, especially on my book. The men, not so much. Nathan had a half a day just to console a wailing crazy wife, and Hendrix had a disapointing evening when I gave him the ultramadum of staying in karate, or giving up. My son had his first lesson in quitting, I know it won't be the last, but I can always hope.
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